A few weeks ago, a 17-year-old called me with a question that sounded simple on the surface but carried the weight of an entire identity crisis underneath it.
She asked, “How do I know if I’m into men or women?”
There was curiosity in her voice. There was fear too. But what stood out most was urgency. She wanted an answer immediately, as if there was a deadline she had somehow missed. As if everyone else had already figured themselves out and she was the only person left standing in the dark.
The truth is, I think far more people feel this way than society likes to admit.
Some people know who they’re attracted to very early in life. Others don’t. Some people feel certain at sixteen and uncertain again at twenty-six. Some people spend years believing one thing about themselves before discovering something new. Human attraction has never been as neat and predictable as the internet sometimes makes it appear. Yet many young people grow up believing they should have a clear label for themselves before they even fully understand their own emotions, desires, and experiences.
Part of the pressure comes from the world around us. We grow up surrounded by stories that assume attraction is supposed to be obvious. Movies tell us. Friends tell us. Family expectations tell us. Social media tells us. Even well-meaning people often ask questions that quietly push us toward certainty. “Do you like boys?” “Do you like girls?” “What’s your type?” These questions sound harmless, but for someone still exploring their identity, they can feel like a spotlight shining on a question they haven’t answered for themselves yet.
And perhaps that’s what nobody tells young people often enough.
Confusion is not failure. Confusion is information.
If you’re questioning who you’re attracted to, it doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re pretending. It doesn’t mean you’re seeking attention. It doesn’t mean you’re secretly one thing or another. It simply means you’re paying attention to yourself honestly, and honesty is usually where self-discovery begins.
I’ve noticed that many people are not actually scared of their feelings. They’re scared of the consequences that might come with those feelings. They’re scared of judgment. Scared of disappointing family. Scared of being misunderstood. Scared of choosing the “wrong” label. Scared of changing their mind later. The fear often has less to do with attraction itself and more to do with how society reacts when people don’t fit neatly into expectations.
But attraction isn’t an exam.
There is no prize for figuring it out first.
There is no punishment for taking longer.
Some people are attracted to men. Some are attracted to women. Some are attracted to both. Some discover they’re attracted to neither. Some feel romantic attraction differently than physical attraction. Some spend years exploring what feels authentic. All of these experiences are part of being human.
What worries me more is how many people rush themselves into certainty because uncertainty feels uncomfortable. They choose labels they don’t fully understand yet. They force answers they don’t genuinely believe. They silence curiosity because curiosity feels risky. In the process, they stop listening to themselves and start listening to everybody else.
If you’re somewhere between fifteen and thirty and asking yourself these questions, I want you to know something I wish more people heard growing up.
You are allowed to take your time.
You are allowed to explore your feelings without immediately defining them.
You are allowed to be curious.
You are allowed to change.
And most importantly, your worth as a human being has absolutely nothing to do with how quickly you arrive at an answer.
The 17-year-old eventually stopped asking me how to know if she liked men or women.
Instead, she started talking about the people who made her feel seen, excited, safe, curious, nervous, and understood.
And honestly, that felt like a much better place to begin.
Because before attraction becomes a label, it is usually just a human connection asking to be understood.
If this article resonated with you, explore more conversations around identity, attraction, intimacy, emotional intelligence, and human connection at Sex ‘N’ Cigarette.
Because self-discovery is not a race, and curiosity is nothing to be ashamed of.
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