A friend called me recently with a question that sounded simple on the surface but was quietly tearing her apart inside.
She told me she was attracted to a man. Not just emotionally, but sexually. She could imagine a future with him. She enjoyed being intimate with him. The attraction felt real.
Then she paused.
Because she was also attracted to a woman.
Not in a distant fantasy kind of way. Not in a “maybe if I were a different person” kind of way. She felt the same excitement, curiosity, desire, and emotional pull. The confusion wasn’t about whether the feelings were real. The confusion was about what those feelings meant. “Am I bisexual?” she asked. “Or am I just confused?” It wasn’t the first time she’d asked herself that question, and judging by the growing number of people searching for answers online, she certainly isn’t the only one.
What struck me wasn’t her attraction. It was her guilt. Somewhere along the way, she had absorbed the idea that attraction should be simple. Society teaches us to treat sexuality like a multiple-choice exam where we’re expected to pick one answer and confidently move on. Straight. Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Something else. The reality is often messier than that. Human attraction doesn’t always arrive with a neat explanation attached to it. Sometimes people know exactly who they are from an early age. Sometimes they spend years discovering new parts of themselves. Neither experience is more valid than the other.
The internet has made this even more complicated. On one hand, there is more visibility around sexuality than ever before. That’s a good thing. People have language for experiences that previous generations often had to navigate alone. On the other hand, social media has quietly created pressure to define yourself quickly. People feel as if they need a label before they’re allowed to explore their feelings. They want certainty before they’ve had enough life experience to understand themselves fully. Attraction becomes something to diagnose instead of something to experience.
The truth is that being attracted to more than one gender doesn’t automatically make someone confused. It doesn’t automatically mean they’re experimenting. It doesn’t automatically mean they’re going through a phase. For many people, bisexuality is a very real and stable orientation. For others, attraction feels more fluid and difficult to categorize. What matters is that feelings deserve honesty before they deserve labels. Too many people spend years trying to force themselves into an identity that feels socially acceptable instead of paying attention to what their heart, body, and emotions are already telling them.
What I told my friend was surprisingly simple. Stop trying to answer the question for a moment. Stop asking whether you’re straight enough, bisexual enough, gay enough, or anything enough. Instead, ask yourself a different question. Who are you genuinely drawn to? Who makes you feel excited, safe, curious, desired, understood, and emotionally alive? Labels can be helpful. They can create community, belonging, and understanding. But labels are supposed to describe your experience, not control it. The moment they become a source of shame, they’re no longer helping.
One of the biggest myths about sexuality is that certainty arrives all at once. In reality, many people discover themselves gradually. A conversation changes something. A relationship changes something. A moment of honesty changes something. Sometimes people spend years trying to fit into a version of themselves that makes other people comfortable before realizing they’ve never truly listened to their own desires. There is nothing wrong with taking your time. There is nothing wrong with questioning. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t have every answer yet.
By the end of our conversation, my friend wasn’t suddenly certain about her future. She didn’t hang up with a perfect label attached to her identity. But she sounded lighter. The guilt had started to fade. She was beginning to understand that attraction isn’t a test she’s supposed to pass. It’s part of being human. And perhaps that’s the most important thing anyone questioning their sexuality needs to hear. You don’t owe the world immediate certainty. You don’t have to rush toward an answer because other people seem confident. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is give yourself permission to be curious.
And sometimes, that curiosity is exactly where self-understanding begins.
If this article felt uncomfortably familiar, you’re not alone. Join us for more honest conversations about attraction, identity, intimacy, and the messy, beautiful process of becoming yourself.
The goal isn’t to fit into a label. The goal is to feel at home in your own skin with Sex ‘N’ Cigarette.
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